Christmas Wars, Episode MMMMCXCVII: Starbucks Makes Tony Go "WTF?"

(Originally posted 10 December 2009)

I only get into this fight if things get really absurd and/or funny. This is one of those times.

While I was visiting my girlfriend in Michigan last week, I spent a whole lot of time in the Barnes and Noble across the street from Michigan State University. Primary, I needed the free WiFi to work on papers while she was doing ballet stuff, but, like most Barnes and Nobles, this one has a Starbucks in it, so I could get my caffeine fix.

While I was standing in line, I noticed two bags of coffee displayed on top of the pastry rack. One was labeled "Christmas Blend," the other, "Holiday Blend." I can't find any pictures of the bags online, and the Starbucks on UC's campus appeared to only have "Christmas," but the descriptions that I was able to read while standing in line were identical. It looked like Starbucks had prepared a seasonal blend and packaged it two different ways, one politically correct and the other pandering to Christians, i.e., one PC the other, uhhh..... crap, now I'm doing it, too!

So, I asked the barista if they were the same. She said that the Christmas Blend was spicy, compared to the Holiday Blend's sweet bouquet. My skepticism unplacated, I decided to do some research.

Christmas:

"...sweet and spicy, with a flavor derived from bright, sparkling Latin American coffees and smooth, full-bodied Asia/Pacific beans. But it’s the Aged Sumatran beans, carefully held for 3 to 5 years before roasting, that give it that delicious signature spicy taste."

Holiday:

"From Latin America come bright, sparkling beans. Asia/Pacific beans provide their own smooth, full-bodied taste. And Aged Sumatran coffees – carefully held for 3 to 5 years – complete the blend with its signature spicy flavor."

Naughty, naughty Starbucks!

My prediction: Starbucks will ask Santa to leave it a shiny new marketing director under the tree this year, but despite efforts to placate St. Nick by leaving out a Cinnamon Chip Scone and a Venti Peppermint Mocha, Starbucks will wake up on Holiday Day to find copious amounts of coal. Maybe weird Aunt Bertha, who smells like formaldehyde and makes fruitcakes suitable only as wheel chocks, will give Starbucks a hairshirt in a hideous reindeer motif.